Friday, February 15, 2013

HP Readalong 3.2

I have a lot of notes about this half. I sense a v. long post in the offing.

EVERY day. No excuses for not dumblin.

When we left off, everyone was unreasonably mad at Hermione for telling McGonagall about Harry's broom, even though Herm was RIGHT (it's just that everyone was WRONG about Sirius being villain-style, but for very legitimate reasons [those reasons to be explored later AT LENGTH]). And then Hagrid actually taught a good lesson involving some flaming lizards. Good work, Hags.

Harry and Lupin are becoming besties, and Harry thinks Sirius deserves the Dementor's kiss and Lupin is like, Are you sure, and Harry 'would have liked to have told Lupin about the conversation he'd overheard about Black [betraying his parents]...but it would have involved revealing that he'd gone to Hogsmeade without permission' UNLESS he was just like, I overheard some professors talking about Black while I was hiding illegally in the Three Broomsticks. Lie by omission, Harry, it isn't hard.

Record-scratch for a second. Is 'do his nut' as in 'Dumbledore'd do his nut' an expression in England? What does it mean?

Back to Harry and Lupin and the Dementors. Ok so Lupin has been teaching Harry to Patronus, and Harry starts carrying his wand around to Quidditch games, and here is my question: Is Harry the only one who can expel Dementors? I mean, it's not like they're going to apparate right next to him. Wouldn't they just float in at the entrance, and then everyone would be like, Oh shit, Dementors, and then one of the professors could be like, EXPECTO ETC and then Harry would be like, Oh dip, I am out of here, as I am only a student and not responsible for this rubbish. I understand teaching him in case he runs across them while on his own (outside the Whomping Willow, say) but surely in a crowd as large as a Quidditch match someone else could step up and be like,

This eensy turtle, for example.

A bunch of security trolls are hired to guard the Fat Lady, but mostly they stand around grunting and 'comparing the size of their clubs.' Oh JK you tawdry minx.

Sirius has been romping murderously through Hogwarts, flashing knives and slashing paintings, and Harry is like, good thing the one-eyed witch isn't boarded up or I'd never get to go to Hogsmeade again. I mean, I know my life is in danger and all but I want to go to Hogsmeaaaaaaaade. THIS IS WHY YOU ALMOST DIE ALL THE TIME, HARRY. No one's fault but yours (and a little bit Voldemorts. And kind of Dumbledore's, too).

Grumpy Cat does not approve of your reckless lifestyle.

Ron is a celebrity for having been almost murdered (this book, I tell you) and '[f]or the first time in his life, people were paying more attention to him than to Harry' except for the first twelve years when Harry was locked in a broom closet and Ron had a family that loved him. I mean, I get what she's after, but 'for the first time that year' or 'for the first time since their arrival at Hogwarts' would be LITERALLY correct and make the same point without me being like,

Awww, Neville is stuck outside the common room while the trolls 'leered unpleasantly at him.' Those trolls could see what the future held, and were like, You got a purty mouth, boy.

Harry and Ron go see Hagrid, who tell them how cut up Hermione is about their fight AND how she's been helping him with Buckbeak's defense even though she's homeworked almost to tears, and despite this, when she tries to say something to him Ron is all, 'Can you hear someone talking, Harry?' Ron, I love you, but you are being The Worst.

Harry goes to Hogsmeade (again) and Malfoy sees his floating head and Snape is like, 'What would your head have been doing in Hogsmeade, Potter?...Your head is not allowed in Hogsmeade.' THIS, you guys. This. Oh, and also this: 'But famous Harry Potter is a law until himself. Let the ordinary people worry about his safety! Famous Harry Potter goes where he wants to, with no thought for the consequences.' I know Snape is kind of being a dick here, but I can't be mad at him when he's picking up what I am putting down.

Oh look, Harry's blank parchment. Snape will solve it. 'Professor Severus Snape, master of this school, commands you to yield the information you conceal!' There's a little bit of Lockhart in all of us.

Oh look, Lupin! 'Your parents gave their lives to keep you alive, Harry. A poor way to repay them - gambling their sacrifice for a bag of magic tricks.' TRUTH-TELLING EPISODE.

Yada yada, Hermione slaps Malfoy (I prefer the movie, where she punches him LIKE A BOSS) and then kicks open the trapdoor and storms out of Divination. She is full of high drama in this book.

Oh my god, another Quidditch match. 'Gryffindor in possession, no, Slytherin in possession - no! Gryffindor back in possession' - you are a terrible commentator, Lee Jordan. JK has clearly never watched a professional sporting event. This whole scene is worth it, though, for the image of Professor McG shaking her fist at Malfoy.

OH HEY LOOK IT'S SIRIUS BLACK. Ok so this is where the book gets exciting and also I get super annoyed. Sirius drags Ron underground and H&H follow, understandably assuming that Ron's going to get eaten, and Ron's all like, You'll have to kill us to get to Harry, and Sirius is like, 'There'll only be one murder here tonight' *murdery grin* and I am like, STOP BEING SO DELIBERATELY CRYPTIC AND MURDERY and then Sirius is choking Harry and I am like, It is almost impossible to misinterpret this situation.

And then Lupin shows up, and, being told that Pettigrew is still alive but hasn't shown himself, he somehow conjectures that Sirius switched Secret-Keeper status with Pettigrew, which obviously means that Lupin should be teaching Divination because there's no way the Logic Train could get you from Point A to Point D like that.

Blah blah Lupin is a werewolf and has not been Sirius' friend for 12 years but he is now and '[i]f you'll give me a chance, I'll explain' and I am like, Stop saying you'll explain and just fucking explain. This is taking unnecessarily long. Sirius and Remus are totally acting like movie villains in this scene, all, And monologuing about their plans or misdeeds or whatever and ignoring the kids' legitimately confused interruptions. I know it decreases narrative tension, but Lupin should be like, RON YOUR RAT IS AN ANIMAGUS AND A TRAITOR like, the instant he figures it out. Or turn Scabbers human NOW and be like, See?

It finally all comes out and Sirius is like NOW I MURDER HIM and Lupin is like, No wait, the children for some reason need to understand why we are killing the rat before we kill the rat, and Black is like, 'We can explain afterwards' and I am like, The dogman is right! I know that Pettigrew needs to escape for Later Pieces of Story to happen, and I get that this method = more suspense, but I kept being pulled out of the story because I was like, COME ON.

It is sort of literally terrible.

And then later when Harry is getting all het up and pointing a wand at Sirius' brain and Sirius is like, 'I as good as killed them,' and I am like, OMFG WHY WOULD YOU BE METAPHORICAL AT A TIME LIKE THIS. I can see why you'd think I literally killed your parents, Harry, on account of how I just literally said, I killed your parents.

And then when he's like, the night they died I went to check on Peter and he wasn't there so I went to James and Lily's and ERRYBUDDY DAID and I realized 'what I'd done' and this story makes no sense, because besides trading places with Peter he didn't really DO anything wrong, or even negligent! It's not like he found Peter absent, went for some hookers and blow, and then found out the next day what had happened. His level of guilt in this matter is boggling.

Also, when Sirius is like, 'I want to commit the murder I was imprisoned for' I was like, I SAW THAT MOVIE.

They can't send you to Azkaban for the same crime twice.

Ok and another thing about this section is the anti-Snape bias. Like when Lupin is like, Snape hated James. 'Jealous, I think, of James's talent on the Quidditch pitch.' AMONG OTHER VERY REASONABLE REASONS. Or when Snape shows up and gets the upper hand like a BAMF and Lupin is like, 'Is a schoolboy grudge worth putting an innocent man back in Azkaban?' And then Harry is like, 'Just because they made a fool of you at school' and I am like, You all seem to forget that Sirius would have hilariously sent Snape down the tunnel to a werewolf. Pranks! All fun and games until someone is rent limb from limb.

Then it's a meme.

So, all that and then at the end Sirius is like, 'You are - truly your father's son, Harry' and I am like, not a book where we learn anything good about James, so.

To end on a less screechy note, I love when Dumbledore is like, A day will come when you will be glad you saved Pettigrew's life and I know this because I have read The Lord of the Rings. And I love that Ron is all repulsed because he let a grown man disguised as a rat sleep in his bed.

Still hilarious.


Laura said...

Finally! My time has come! So yeah, 'do his nut' is an expression, and it just kind of means 'would be really really cross'? I mean, not that I've ever actually heard anyone use it in real life or anything...

"This whole scene is worth it, though, for the image of Professor McG shaking her fist at Malfoy."
Yesssssssss. Everyone should probably shake their fists at Malfoy all the time.

AND THE ANTI-SNAPE BIAS THANK YOU! I can't deal with the whole nearly killing Snape thing, and everyone's like 'Oh, they were just being kids! LOLZ!' I MANAGED TO BE A KID WITHOUT NEARLY MURDERING ANYONE, thank you every much!

That disembowling gif is weirdly hypnotic...

Reading Rambo said...



*Also* "and I am like, not a book where we learn anything good about James, so."

Stupid James. I hate James. And Sirius is in man-love with him and this ruins Sirius because he's all "Harryyyyyy you're so much like James; Harry let's act like best friends instead of me being a responsible guardian HURRAY!"

Only more morose, because he is Senor Grumpypants most of the time. 'Cause of the DEMENTORS.


Kayleigh V said...

Ahaha to the Wendy Lady shaking her fist at Malfoy.

Harry had to learn Patronusing because everybody else is so laaazy about shooing the Dementors away. Dumbledore shooed them the first time, but too late.

I loved this post. I lol'd muchly.

Red said...

So I lol'ed through this whole thing. Because it's AMAZING

" THIS IS WHY YOU ALMOST DIE ALL THE TIME, HARRY. No one's fault but yours (and a little bit Voldemorts. And kind of Dumbledore's, too)." Yes this.

Why oh why have you made me picture some trolls go all Deliverance on Neville. Poor, poor Neville.

WHY was Sirius choking Harry at all? That, just, what? That made less sense than all of his villan monologuing.

BUT I do think Sirius's guilt about the whole thing isn't just because he convinced them to switch Petty to be the secret-keeper but WHY he did it. Cos he says that he thought Voldemort would be more likely to go after him, so maybe he switched cos he was afraid of Voldie coming for him and giving stuff up. So he's guilty that his fear is what made him switch secret-keeper responsibilities.

As the Crowe Flies and Reads said...

There is so much that I love here that I don't even know where to start. I feel like I should have made notes on your post.

First of all, you're right. There is NO excuse for not Dumblin and I'm not sure why I haven't used that gif yet.

Harry seems to have no trouble lying to authority figures later in life, so why he can't' just lie by omission with Lupin gives me head-scratches. And not in a lice way.

Eensy turtle = amazing

security trolls--how come you and i are the only people who mention them? but oh, how i wish i'd clued in to the eyeing up Neville buts.

That's probably enough to be getting on with for now. Carry on with your dumblin,

Kayleigh Murphy said...

Hokey, I loves this post and YAY length!!

Poor Ron might not always have been in Harry's shadow, but he's always been in someones shadow. His brothers are just too awesome. Way to go Mr and Mrs Weasley, you guys gots goods.

The trolls/Neville thing. Nope. DESTROYED me. Cannot unsee/think.

I know Ron's being a dick, but their silly fights are so realistic. I can't remember how many times I, or someone else, was frozen out for something pathetic only to reconcile a week later as if nothing happened.

"Lupin should be teaching Divination because there's no way the Logic Train could get you from Point A to Point D like that."

That made me giggle very much.

I forgive Lupin for bending the truth about James. I mean, who wants to tell a 13 year old that their dead dad was a bit of a douche? And it is true to an extent - the jealousy thing anyway - and Lupin can't have thought that Harry would blurt it out at Snape or that Sirius and Pettigrew would come back and make things so much more complicated.

Sarah said...

I totally get Sirius's guilt here. He convinced the Potters to use Pettigrew as their Secret Keeper instead of himself, because I guess Sirius being the Secret Keeper was too obvious and why make it easy for Voldy to guess who it is? And he didn't suggest they use Lupin because for some reason he thought Lupin was spying for Voldy, so he literally talked the Potters into putting Pettigrew in the perfect position to sell them out to Voldy.

Yeah, I can see how Sirius has been torturing himself for this over the past 12 years. If he had just stuck to the plan and been the Secret Keeper, maybe the Potters would have lived. But then we'd have no HP series!

Also, TOO TRUE about teachers getting rid of the Dementors at the Quidditch match. The only thing I can think is that maybe because Harry's flying so high that the Dementors can affect him quicker than the teachers can produce a Patronus charm?

Jenny said...

Okay although I generally tend to understand why people don't want to tell Harry what a bully his father was to Snape -- like, I can see how Lupin wouldn't be sure it was his place to tell a kid his father was a jerk, ditto Dumbledore -- I DO NOT GET how Lupin says that thing about Snape being jealous of James's talent on the Quidditch field. Seriously, Lupin? Like Snape even gives a fuck. I MEAN REALLY. He could have said, "Snape always disliked your father. They did mean spells to each other unprovoked all the time," which would be true! And not slanderous at all, and not "sometimes yr father was an ass"! Whence this Quidditch talk, Professor L.?

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Bluejello said...

Thanks to this review, anytime I see Neville on screen, I'm going to hear banjos. Damnit.

Megs said...

I saved your post for dessert, and I'm totally glad I did. That is all.

Etudesque said...

HAHA, your "do his nut" comment killed me!

I love JK's wonderful wand and clubs euphemisms, seriously, what a cheeky minx!

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