EVERY day. No excuses for not dumblin.
When we left off, everyone was unreasonably mad at Hermione for telling McGonagall about Harry's broom, even though Herm was RIGHT (it's just that everyone was WRONG about Sirius being villain-style, but for very legitimate reasons [those reasons to be explored later AT LENGTH]). And then Hagrid actually taught a good lesson involving some flaming lizards. Good work, Hags.
Harry and Lupin are becoming besties, and Harry thinks Sirius deserves the Dementor's kiss and Lupin is like, Are you sure, and Harry 'would have liked to have told Lupin about the conversation he'd overheard about Black [betraying his parents]...but it would have involved revealing that he'd gone to Hogsmeade without permission' UNLESS he was just like, I overheard some professors talking about Black
Record-scratch for a second. Is 'do his nut' as in 'Dumbledore'd do his nut' an expression in England? What does it mean?
Back to Harry and Lupin and the Dementors. Ok so Lupin has been teaching Harry to Patronus, and Harry starts carrying his wand around to Quidditch games, and here is my question: Is Harry the only one who can expel Dementors? I mean, it's not like they're going to apparate right next to him. Wouldn't they just float in at the entrance, and then everyone would be like, Oh shit, Dementors, and then one of the professors could be like, EXPECTO ETC and then Harry would be like, Oh dip, I am out of here, as I am only a student and not responsible for this rubbish. I understand teaching him in case he runs across them while on his own (outside the Whomping Willow, say) but surely in a crowd as large as a Quidditch match someone else could step up and be like,
This eensy turtle, for example.
A bunch of security trolls are hired to guard the Fat Lady, but mostly they stand around grunting and 'comparing the size of their clubs.' Oh JK you tawdry minx.
Sirius has been romping murderously through Hogwarts, flashing knives and slashing paintings, and Harry is like, good thing the one-eyed witch isn't boarded up or I'd never get to go to Hogsmeade again. I mean, I know my life is in danger and all but I want to go to Hogsmeaaaaaaaade. THIS IS WHY YOU ALMOST DIE ALL THE TIME, HARRY. No one's fault but yours (and a little bit Voldemorts. And kind of Dumbledore's, too).
Grumpy Cat does not approve of your reckless lifestyle.
Awww, Neville is stuck outside the common room while the trolls 'leered unpleasantly at him.' Those trolls could see what the future held, and were like, You got a purty mouth, boy.
Harry and Ron go see Hagrid, who tell them how cut up Hermione is about their fight AND how she's been helping him with Buckbeak's defense even though she's homeworked almost to tears, and despite this, when she tries to say something to him Ron is all, 'Can you hear someone talking, Harry?' Ron, I love you, but you are being The Worst.
Harry goes to Hogsmeade (again) and Malfoy sees his floating head and Snape is like, 'What would your head have been doing in Hogsmeade, Potter?...Your head is not allowed in Hogsmeade.' THIS, you guys. This. Oh, and also this: 'But famous Harry Potter is a law until himself. Let the ordinary people worry about his safety! Famous Harry Potter goes where he wants to, with no thought for the consequences.' I know Snape is kind of being a dick here, but I can't be mad at him when he's picking up what I am putting down.
Oh look, Harry's blank parchment. Snape will solve it. 'Professor Severus Snape, master of this school, commands you to yield the information you conceal!' There's a little bit of Lockhart in all of us.
Oh look, Lupin! 'Your parents gave their lives to keep you alive, Harry. A poor way to repay them - gambling their sacrifice for a bag of magic tricks.' TRUTH-TELLING EPISODE.
Yada yada, Hermione slaps Malfoy (I prefer the movie, where she punches him LIKE A BOSS) and then kicks open the trapdoor and storms out of Divination. She is full of high drama in this book.
Oh my god, another Quidditch match. 'Gryffindor in possession, no, Slytherin in possession - no! Gryffindor back in possession' - you are a terrible commentator, Lee Jordan. JK has clearly never watched a professional sporting event. This whole scene is worth it, though, for the image of Professor McG shaking her fist at Malfoy.
OH HEY LOOK IT'S SIRIUS BLACK. Ok so this is where the book gets exciting and also I get super annoyed. Sirius drags Ron underground and H&H follow, understandably assuming that Ron's going to get eaten, and Ron's all like, You'll have to kill us to get to Harry, and Sirius is like, 'There'll only be one murder here tonight' *murdery grin* and I am like, STOP BEING SO DELIBERATELY CRYPTIC AND MURDERY and then Sirius is choking Harry and I am like, It is almost impossible to misinterpret this situation.
And then Lupin shows up, and, being told that Pettigrew is still alive but hasn't shown himself, he somehow conjectures that Sirius switched Secret-Keeper status with Pettigrew, which obviously means that Lupin should be teaching Divination because there's no way the Logic Train could get you from Point A to Point D like that.
Blah blah Lupin is a werewolf and has not been Sirius' friend for 12 years but he is now and '[i]f you'll give me a chance, I'll explain' and I am like, Stop saying you'll explain and just fucking explain. This is taking unnecessarily long. Sirius and Remus are totally acting like movie villains in this scene, all, And monologuing about their plans or misdeeds or whatever and ignoring the kids' legitimately confused interruptions. I know it decreases narrative tension, but Lupin should be like, RON YOUR RAT IS AN ANIMAGUS AND A TRAITOR like, the instant he figures it out. Or turn Scabbers human NOW and be like, See?
It finally all comes out and Sirius is like NOW I MURDER HIM and Lupin is like, No wait, the children for some reason need to understand why we are killing the rat before we kill the rat, and Black is like, 'We can explain afterwards' and I am like, The dogman is right! I know that Pettigrew needs to escape for Later Pieces of Story to happen, and I get that this method = more suspense, but I kept being pulled out of the story because I was like, COME ON.
It is sort of literally terrible.
And then later when Harry is getting all het up and pointing a wand at Sirius' brain and Sirius is like, 'I as good as killed them,' and I am like, OMFG WHY WOULD YOU BE METAPHORICAL AT A TIME LIKE THIS. I can see why you'd think I literally killed your parents, Harry, on account of how I just literally said, I killed your parents.
And then when he's like, the night they died I went to check on Peter and he wasn't there so I went to James and Lily's and ERRYBUDDY DAID and I realized 'what I'd done' and this story makes no sense, because besides trading places with Peter he didn't really DO anything wrong, or even negligent! It's not like he found Peter absent, went for some hookers and blow, and then found out the next day what had happened. His level of guilt in this matter is boggling.
Also, when Sirius is like, 'I want to commit the murder I was imprisoned for' I was like, I SAW THAT MOVIE.
They can't send you to Azkaban for the same crime twice.
Then it's a meme.
So, all that and then at the end Sirius is like, 'You are - truly your father's son, Harry' and I am like, this...is not a book where we learn anything good about James, so.
To end on a less screechy note, I love when Dumbledore is like, A day will come when you will be glad you saved Pettigrew's life and I know this because I have read The Lord of the Rings. And I love that Ron is all repulsed because he let a grown man disguised as a rat sleep in his bed.