I have eventful times pending so I'm scheduling this post. Blogger, don't eff this up. What's that? E-reader battery too low to power on even when plugged in? TECHNOLOGY HAS RUINED MY
[some days later...]
Evening, chilluns. So, Goblet of Fire commences with a HOUSE FULL OF DEAD RIDDLES, each of whom has 'a look of terror upon his or her face.' Any other book would have a snarling rictus of fear or something, so thanks for sparing us that, JK, as well as starting this book off with a bang. You have been heeding our criticisms, clearly.
Yada yada, 'Harry had been a year old the night that Voldemort' - DAMN. We were doing so well. Ok so Harry has a dream about Voldemort and then his scar hurts and the LAST time his scar hurt, V-mort was imminent so he writes to his godfather but DOESN'T TELL HIM ABOUT THE DREAM WHICH IS ABOUT VOLDEMORT because 'he didn't want it to look as though he was too worried.' Harry...I just. I can't even with you.
The Dursleys are still terrible, Mr Weasley shows up to fetch Harry and the Dursledoos don't say good-bye to him and Mr Weasley is all, Hold up. *mild righteous indignation* And I teared up a bit at this point because my favorite thing about Harry is how awesome everyone becomes in his defense.
Oh hey, it's Bill Weasley and he's an 80s metalhead. Ponytail and a fang earring indeed. Now Mrs Weasley waves her wand and a 'creamy sauce' pours from the tip. LEAVING ASIDE ANY INNUENDOS because when you have wands, there will be wand-jokes, but can anyone just conjure up food? Like, is there no hunger in wizardryland? I'm asking.
I love the Weasleys, I could stay here all day. Nuts to the rest of the book. Percy's all like, That big event coming up, you know the one, Father. *significant glance at HRH* Oh Percy, you pompous, cryptic ass. You are basically a centaur without the horse-bits. And then at the World Cup and everyone's trying to dress up as Muggles? All kilts and ponchos and nightgowns and such? 'I like a healthy breeze round my privates.' Wait, wha? We don't even have to INFER any wand-jokes here.
No harm in a little inference.
I love you, JK Row, for that and for Bagman with his 'round face gleaming like a great excited Edam.' JK Rowling: bad at math, EXCELLENT at similes.
Blah blah Death Eaters blah Dark Mark, Mrs Weasley in tears because she shouted at the twins before they left.
And oh harrr, here's Ginny Weasley mending her book with Spellotape, a clever bit of wordery that's lost on us in North America where we don't call it sellotape. Also, the Weasley's poverty is played for LULZ until all of a sudden it's not, and Ron is like 'Why is everything I own rubbish?' and I am like, Awwwwwwww Ron!
Oh good, we are finally talking about the
NOW, PHEW, I am back on track. Can't wait til next week when the other schools show up and JKR gets suuuuper xenophobic.