Which apparently some do! And I think it's important to separate polygamists into Nutter Butters Who Make Good News Headlines And Books By Jon Krakauer, and People Who Marry More Than One Other Person NBD. So, let's do that. But this is a book review! Of this book! Which I read!
So. The Dargers. Joe Darger is a dude. Alina and Vicki (who are cousins!) are both like, I am into that dude. Joe's mom is like, Why don't you BOTH be into that dude? So they buddy up and become besties and then Joe dates them both. And while they are very, It was difficult because Alina was very pretty, or, It was jealousy-making because Vicki was good at stuff, or, It was hard to be Not A Dick About Things, they are all writing this book together and they will all read it AND their friends and mothers will read it, so you can see them antsing carefully around things. It is honest without being juicy, to my Victorian-novel-loving disappointment.
Oh and then later, Vicki's twin sister Valerie (who married One Of Those Shitty Polygamists Because Really, Assholes Are Everywhere) leaves her hideous marriage and returns home to heal and then Vicki and Alina are like, We dig you and you should join our marriage. So she does!
And the revolving-door storytelling means that you get to hear all sides, but it also means that you have to hear ALL SIDES. Of EVERY EVENT. But the mechanics of a healthy, functioning polygamous marriage are actually super-interesting, and they are exceedingly open about the necessity of being Grown-Ass Adults About Things (as well as The Repercussions Of Being Childish and Negatively Impacting Not Only Your Spouse But Your Spouse's Spouses and All The Childrens Thereof). Val remarks on the necessity for sister-wives to develop a level of independence from their husbands that many solo-wives would probably do well to cultivate. Be yo' own woman!
And I feel shame-faced even admitting earlier that polygamy pokes my button in some ways, because as they point out in the introduction, '[e]very day, people make bonds and blend relationships in ways that are redefining what it means to be "family"' and while I would never be like, Two ladies? That's gross, somehow being like Two ladies and a dude? DISCOMFORTABLE! doesn't seem as politically incorrect. My mental bully is still apparently ok with picking on polygamists, and she needs to be punched (or to have the universal humanity of humankind gently explained to her).
So! Not amazing in parts, keeping from the depths of the Saccharine Tar Pits in other parts only by a narrow margin, but ILLUMINATING.
Seven caterpillars.
I think our view of polygamy is super warped by the sensationalizing of it we see on tv (news, movies, etc.) cuz when I think of polygamists, I am immediately reminded of dirty old men marrying too young girls and/or women who have never known another life and have been brainwashed and hence cannot make an informed choice. There's always an "against their will" fiasco in my head.
ReplyDeleteRandom opinion: Polygamy has the good and the bad I guess like anything else. Have you read 'An Elergy for Easterly' by Petina Gappah, which contains stories about polygamy in Africa? While many wives marry freely, they then find themselves in polygamous relationships where their husbands refuse to use protection (which for obvious reasons is not a good idea). People tend to focus on the emotional troubles they think polygamy can cause (and does cause if it's not entered into carefully is Percy Shelley's life tecahes us anything) but in these stories a culture that accepts a mans right to polygamous marriages is shown to physically harm women.
ReplyDeleteI think polygamy (in a relationship where a man has multiple wives) needs to be coupled with a sincere effort to avoid...taking advantage of the sexist backup society is willing to provide to men, if that makes sense. And although, hurray for solemnizing your commitment and obviously the marriage angle works for these people, I do think it would be great if people talked about polygamy outside of marriage, where if problems of jealousy do arise people (specifically women) may feel more comfortable picking up their own second partner to make their situation better.
While I don't think I could ever personally be down with another person in my marriage, I can totes see how the whole sister wife thing could own. YES help me with my children YES the husband was an ass today let's gang up on him YES let us split the grocery shopping. In essence, like most things, I would love the perks but shun the work/hard parts.
ReplyDeleteAh! I'm kind of fascinated by polygamy tbh so maybe I'd read this book. I don't feel anything like ugh about it right now, but if someone I knew told me they wanted to do this I might feel differently.
ReplyDeleteThe problem I have is that this doesn't go both ways. I am totes cool with people being in polygamous relationships if that is truly what everyone involved wants, but this whole 1 guy a bunch of ladies thing is what bugs me. I have the feeling that that dude would not be cool with his wives having other husbands. It reeks of Alpha Male. Plus, this means that he gets all the nice times with a wife that he wants, but each wife only gets 1/3 of the usual amount of time with her husband. Which, fine, individuality and all, but still!
ReplyDeleteI'm much less weirded out by those group relationships in which everyone loves everyone, because at least everyone has the same number of partners.
I want to be illuminated. I think I'd actually be really good at polygamy -- as long as tons and tons of children weren't involved that I had to care for.
ReplyDeleteI have this on my queue at the library (that's a thing, right? maybe I'm confusing the phrasing too much with netflix) and am kind of looking forward, because HOW do they make it work, omg. Those things are insanely hard, and the people have to pretty much be saints. Sooo much work.
ReplyDeleteI took think I would be good at polygamy, as long as I did not have to do the cooking, cleaning, or childrearing. Isn't there room in every marriage for a sisterwife who keeps up with reality TV? And fills the others in, later?
ReplyDeleteIn a polygamous relationship who would I cuddle up to on the sofa while watching Australian Masterchef? Is there a rota for that kind of casual affection? If so count me out.
ReplyDeleteAlso the day we discuss 'brother husbands' with the same level of thought and understanding will be the day society really has sorted out the basic inequality that foundations our whole perception of man woman relationships. I don't see that ship on the horizon any time soon.
I've been waiting to read this book for awhile now. Such an interesting culture. The problem I see with polygamy is that it fosters secrets because it is against the law.
ReplyDeleteWhat most people call "polygamy" is actually "polygyny"--one man with many wives, but the wives are forbidden to have multiple husbands. (The opposite is "polyandry"--one wife with many husbands, but the husbands are forbidden to have other wives. It exists, but it's really rare.)
ReplyDeleteTechnically speaking, polygamy just means "many marriages"--people have multiple partners regardless of sex. Unfortunately, egalitarian polygamy is even rarer than polyandry.
I'm totally okay with polygamy. I'm *not* totally okay with sexism in the form of double standards that say it's OK for men to have multiple partners but women can't. Any sort of institutionalized sexism inevitably leads, I believe, to some very ugly things.
In polygamous societies, we see two things happen over and over: women tend to become second-rate citizens (or worse), and since some men have many women but women aren't allowed multiple men, an underclass of men who will never be able to marry is created. That's not good for anyone.