Harry Potter readalong 7.4 - the FINISHENING

I was going to just post quotes and gifs but Kayleigh knocked that out of the park last week, so I guess I'll say some words. (And post gifs).

Let us admit from the outset that this section is structurally terrible. BATTLE AND WHIZ-BOOM AND bzzzzzzzzp, Snape's memories. Which are germane to the plot and the bit that I find most emotionally compelling, but also a total momentum-killer. And then MORE BATTLE WHOOO HARRY IS OFF TO SACRIFICE HIMSELF byyyyyyyyyrp we are in a ghostly King's Cross Station and Dumbles is about to exposition on our asses. Final section, I love you for your dramatics and your backstory and your closure, but they are Poorly Arranged.

Neville's all, Blah blah we're being tortured blah and 'Harry didn't know what was worse, the things that Neville was saying or the matter-of-fact tone in which he said them.' Serious big ups to JK for developing side characters so thoroughly, you don't usually see such growth in a secondary character.

From this

To this

(You always had it in you, Neville.)

McGonagall on the 'many ineptitudes' of the Carrows - 'I shall not permit it' - is begging me to use this gif.

You just keep forbidding stuff, Maggie Smith.

ALSO, 'if any of you attempt to sabotage our resistance, or take up arms against us within this castle, then, Horace, we duel to kill.' HOLY ESSS, McGonagall is so badass.

Fred and Percy making up...I can't even.

Future considerations on those feels.

'He [Snape] has, to use the common phrase, "done a bunk."' Oh Professor McG, you are the only Old Person Using Slang in whom I DELIGHT.

Harry supposes The Grey Lady is beautiful, 'with her waist-length hair and floor-length cloak.' Someone should tell him he'd be swimming in honeys at any local renaissance fair.

Awwwww, shit. 'Fred's eyes stared without seeing, the ghost of his last laugh still etched upon his face.' Thanks for having him make up with Percy, JK. THANKS FOR AT LEAST GIVING US THAT.

Ugh, it's nothing but Important Deaths from here out. (I feel like we say that every time anyone dies. But this time, fr rl.)

Ok, I know it's way more fun, plot-wise, to read about Hermine glisseo-ing the stairs so they slide down and don't get zapped, but because I'm the type of girl who uses Chun-Li's high kick to great and relentless effect, I would just be stupifying people all over the place.

Seriously, it's my only move, but it is so, so deadly.

'Malfoy looked around, beaming, for his saviour, and Ron punched him from under the cloak.' This may be my favorite moment in the entire series, because that caught me off guard too, Draco.

Prior to this readalong, I'd never understood the powerful force Luna is for keeping Harry grounded and bolstering him. In my head she was just a tertiary character but she is all like, 'We're all still here...we're still fighting. Come on, now' - without which, Harry would have arguably not been able to Patronus his way out of the Dementors. Also, my emotions, Luna. 'We're all still here.'

SPEAKING OF FEELS. Here we are, at my Apex of Sadness. Snape is dying and 'The green eyes found the black' and Snape is totally pretending Harry is Lily at this point, with them eyes. *I* would. Anywert, my feels about Snape are like this: he loves Lily so much he is willing to make unimaginable sacrifices to keep her son alive, WHOM HE HATES, just because he's her son. I mean. It's one thing to help someone because you love them, but to help them because they are important to someone important to you, SOMEONE WHO IS NOW DEAD AND WON'T EVEN SEE YOU HELPING THEM, that gets me right in my romantical heart-parts.

Also, 'After all this time?' 'Always.'

Laughter keeps the tears at bay.

Lord Voldemort refers to himself in the third person. I'm just saying.

AHHHHHHH 'Remus and Tonks, pale and still and peaceful-looking.' This whole dead-bodies-laid-out-surrounded-by-quiet-mourners thing is emotionally wringing. Like, all the death, we can't even anymore. We'll just stand around and be sad, shall we?

I'm more of a Troy Barnes, myself.

MORE SADS. Colin Creevey dies, and that's tragic, but 'He was tiny in death' and that just rubs the salt.

I don't know why Harry plays dead for so long, while bad things keep threatening to happen. WHAT DOES HE THINK HE'S ACCOMPLISHING, that it's so important he not give the game away?

The 'NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!' line is the only part of this book where I shed real, human tears. I don't know. I have a daughter. Molly Weasley makes me all proud and emotional and shit.

When I first read these books, I thought bringing Harry back from the dead was a cop-out, especially after JK made so many brave and bloodthirsty choices with the other characters, but now I'm like, Ehhhh, we can't all be George R R Martin. The epilogue is worse in the movie than the book, but still. Have some balls to leave your story hanging a little bit, JK. Let's not end this post on the same lousy feelings.


'"I'll join you when hell freezes over," said Neville. "Dumbledore's Army!"' Oh Neville. I'd read your biography. (I meant that both literally and as a super-vague euphemism.)

Just me, Neville. Just me.

Harry Potter readalong 7.2-3

I am days late and sickles short but I wanted to catch up before we hit the last section. I just...house guests and moving and I have no excuse.

EVERY DAMN DAY. No excuses.

I haven't said any words in weeks so we're gonna go way back. Waaaaaay back. To when HRH break into the Ministry and there are those horrible thrones made of carved tortured Muggles, and I am like, That is some Holocaust memorial shit right there. I mean, this whole book smacks of Nazi Germany, with its purebloods and its manhunts and its SS and so forth. Creepily done, JK.

Oh, hey, remember when Harry sneaks into Umbridge's office and is in there for a while and then eventually sees a giant poster of himself on the wall, which, I mean, your own MASSIVE FACE is definitely the first thing you see when you walk into a room, right? You can't help it.

This book is so dark, but the moment when Harry feels like he's 'come to an abrupt halt, run out of road' because what do you do now? There are no battles to fight, no tournaments to win, no Ministries to sneak into, and all the Horcruxes you have to find are Out There Somewhere, and it's just SO. BLEAK.

And I remember Alice saying she liked this section, with the endless wandering and camping and sniping at each other because the Hcrux makes you all horrible people, but I HATE it. Mostly because of the scene where Ron storms out. I mean, I know there's a bit in nearly every book where Ron hates Harry for SOMEthing, but this time he leaves and Harry has no one (except a very heartbroken Hermione, who isn't much in the way of a cheer-up) and it's just dismal as hell.

Heeee, Harry just pulled out the Marauder's Map to 'stare at Ginny's name.' Like, oh right, Ginny. GOOD WORK ON THOSE ROMANTICALS, JK.

Ok, if anyone ever tells you that there isn't some heavy wand/penis allegory in these books, direct them hither: 'Wands are only as powerful as the wizards who use them. Some wizards just like to boast that theirs are bigger and better than other people's.'

I forgot Luna's room completely. Those golden 'friends' scrolling around the pictures is probably the most beautiful thing ever.

Oooh, when Hermione blasts out the floor and then Disaperates so the Death Eaters see Harry and know Xenophilius wasn't lying, but hides Ron to protect his family? Good to see her Thinking Under Pressure skills have improved.

Harry talking to Hermione about the Hallows and dead people and 'trying to sound robustly sane' is both hilarious and tragic. Your grief is a complex beast, HP.

Ugh, Fenrir. 'I do enjoy the softness of the skin.'

Ok, if Harry pointing three wands and hollering causes a 'triple spell,' why don't wizards carry around, like, ten wands all taped together?

Hold up a min. Remember way earlier when Ron has Mundungus and he's all like, What the hell? And Harry's like, 'You're not in much of a position to make threats.' Which...maybe he did in an earlier edit? But not here. And then R&H find Harry, and he wished they had not, having no wish to join in with their argument.' And the Potterverse is a huge deal by book seven, so ONE OF YOU should have caught those, What Is Surely By Now A Team of Editors.

All of whom are named 'Carol.'

Ooooh, Godric Gryffindor might have stolen the sword from a the goblins! Good work, JK. I mean, the phrase 'shades of grey' has been ruined for our generation, but it's nice to see a variation on the relentless 'Slytherin Sux' theme.

Oh hey, it's Lupin looking all stoked about his new baby. This is only a super happy moment if you don't know what's coming. It's like seeing Robb ask his mother for advice at the beginning of The Rains of Castamere and being like, Awwwwww, they're making up! Way to ratchet up the pathos, JK.

And now Harry's off 'to become just as reckless a godfather to Teddy Lupin as Sirius Black had been to him.' So...he's going to make sly digs about Teddy's dead father and encourage him to endanger his life? *ducks*

Aberforth's patronus is a goat.

Harry's theory that Dumbles was watching Grindlewald hurt Ariana when he was weeping over the cauldron of poison in the cave...this is an absolute bit of a stretch, right?

Neville Longbottom leaping out of a picture frame and roaring Harry's name is pretty much the only way to end a section, really. Shall we move on now to have our feels macerated to bits?

DO I KNOW ANYONE WHO LIVES IN SASKATOON?

I ask because I'm moving there in, like, a month. This here blog is how I found my Calgary-friend-with-baby, and she has been So Great. Sorry I'm moving, Morgan! Our babies were to have been besties. Now they can be, like, tiny pen pals.

In exchange, I give you two things: cat bearding (which is that thing where your cat is also your beard)

and Dots. It's like Bejewelled only better, and without sending you shitty promos all the time, and I'm addicted to the sound it makes when you close a square. You have to play it with volume up for maximum delight.

P.S. Thanks for all your help plagiarist-hunting yesterday. Charlotte took the print copied from my sister's out of her store, and though she deleted all comments on her facebook page and stuffed the entire thing under the rug, this is probably the closest we'll get to justice. Thanks again for mobilizing, innertubes.

'Plagiarist' is the nicest thing I could call you.

Heyyyyy internet. You guys know my sister (of the art). You guys know how often people use the internet to steal your shit (it's why we can all spell 'plagiarize' now without looking it up).

Charlotte Hupfield stole my sister's words.

Here is my sister's quote, posted to facebook last June. Here is Charlotte's version on facebook (minus a few words, plus some daisies) and here it is in her store. She is making MONEY off of my sister's product.

Please join me in (politely) messaging her, commenting on her facebook photo so that other potential buyers know that her work is stolen, and contacting her through her store.

This will not stand.

[Update: she has taken it off facebook but it remains in her store under 'cards.']

Harry Potter Readalong 7:1

This is where people (and noble owls) start dying in earnest. I mean, FINALLY, right?

We're all still pretty busted up about Dbles. Oooh, and how MORE busted up did his biography make you? So much, I bet. Also, 'a brother with a fondness for fiddling about with goats' - they're getting less and less euphemistic about that.

Also, sending out seven Harrys because '[e]ven You-Know-Who can't split himself into seven.'

NICELY PLACED, JK.

Also, I forget who dies when so I was really stressed out during the scene where they're all arriving at the Burrow.

Ok so Harry is going to hunt the Horcruxes without anyone knowing, and he doesn't want H&R to come with him, and I am OVER this. I think JK works this angle too hard, and that's why it's grating on so many of us. Like she thinks we're going to hate Harry because of all the excellent characters who die for his sake, so she overwhelms us with him not wanting them to help and it's exhausting.

That's me on the right, all, Fine, I'll just lie here and take Harry's attitude, whatever.

Although I just remembered someone's very good point about Hermione's very good point about Harry's savior complex. Which makes it easier to understand, if not to read about ad nauseum. SPEAKING OF HERMIONE, she basically makes her parents into different people so that they'll be safe and she can go with Harry. Holy ess, child. That is commitment to the cause.

OK NO BUT SON OF A BITCH, here it is again. Harry's birthday falls on the day before Bill and Fleur's wedding (which isn't even conceivably his fault, since you schedule a wedding, but your birthday, you know...) and he's totally like, A regular dinner is fine, and then feels 'a great wave of remorse' for stressing Mrs Weasley out. No, wait, 'for the inconvenience and pain he was causing her.' THAT IS LAYING IT ON A BIT THICK. I mean, sucks to be the one houseguest everybody has to take mad security precautions for, but also you are on a MISSION to SAVE THE WIZARDING RACE so I think you can cut yourself some slack.

Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches isn't 'all about wandwork.' MMMMMMLOL.

Dumbledore leaves Ron the 'Deluminator' in his will, which shows that JK has finally gotten the hang of naming her magic thingies, although I distinctly remember LIKING that it was called the 'Put-Outer' in Book One.

I like things that do what they say on the tin.

Oooh, and then Harry rips a strip off of Scrimgeour, and it may be the first time I agree with his smart mouth.

Oh, and you know when his scar goes off and Hermione is like, OMG STOP SHARING BRAINS WITH VMORT, I like this bit so much. Because she's so smart and cool and empathetic and wise and then just SUCKS at things sometimes. Like, seriously, Herms, that is not helping. But I love you and your flaws.

When Harry finds out about D-dore and Godric's Hollow and is like, Why didn't he tell me this stuff and am I just a tool to him, USUALLY I have no patience with Harry's bitching but given the events of  Book Five, in which Dumbledore Kept All Kinds Of Shit From Him, I feel like he has a right to moan about some stuff.

Ugh, ok, Lily's letter. RIGHT? 'She had made her g's the same way he did: he searched through the letter for every one of them, and each felt like a friendly little wave glimpsed from behind a veil.'

OH, and Kreacher's story about retrieving the locket?

And we have so many more gloriously sad bits to go before that stupid, stupid epilogue.

Harry Potter readalong: Beedle Break

After last week's emotional wringer

it was nice to spend some time with a non-dead Dumbledore. I'd never read BtB and I flat-out loved the format. Literary criticism on fairy tales and shit is my jam (Bruno Bettelheim, I love your long-winded face), and faux-litcrit by one of the world's most brilliant wizards, well-versed in wand lore (like Dumbleself), is just...it's the best. The echoes of Real World Literary History were fantastic, like Thomas Bowdler Beatrix Bloxam, who Bloxamized all the nasty bits out of tales.

(Speaking of HP criticism, I started reading a book on HP and philosophy and it is just straight-up the worst. I thought it would be more litcrit but it's just all 'existence of the soul blah blah' and 'all possible futures versus a fixed future' and I feel like I'm back in college but not in the fun way. Philosophy, I'd forgotten how doggedly boring you are.)

'The Warlock's Hairy Heart' is hands-down the best tale in the collection, are we agreed?

I mean, 'The maiden lay dead upon the floor, her breast cut open, and beside her crouched the mad warlock, holding in one bloody hand a great, smooth, shining scarlet heart, which he licked and stroked, vowing to exchange it for his own.' That's some Poe-tastic shit right there.

Does The Tale of the Three Brothers make it into the 7th book? I forget. I remember it being EXCEEDINGLY WELL DONE in the movie.

I mean, right? How else are you going to work in that backstory without people being like, I'm boooooored, let's get back to Neville and Luna.

My only criticism is that, ok, so it's supposed to be D-bles writing for a wizarding audience, which is why Hermione (but sometimes JK [BUT WHY NOT JUST ONE OF THEM, HONESTLY]) footnotes it, but when he's talking about Animagi he gets a little infodumpy and written-for-muggles-y. Because if I was talking to you, fellow muggles, I wouldn't be like, 'There are fewer lawyers than, say, retail clerks, because becoming a lawyer is super hard and expensive.' So when he's like, 'Animagi make up a small fraction of the wizarding population. Achieving perfect, spontaneous human to animal transformation requires much study and practice' etc I am like, This rings false within the construct of this book.

The rest of it is srsly great, though! Babbity Rabbity indeed. On to The Deathly Hallows, where many of my favorite characters die!

The saddest face.

[edit: I am forever posting shit to the wrong blog. The perils of phone-blogging. Enjoy this slice of my life.]

The last three times we came to

BC, at least one person has been sick unto vomiting. No one has thrown up on THIS visit (yet! Oh how I knock on the wood) but that doesn't mean we aren't sick as dogs. 

There has been a lot of this:

And this: 

And a little bit of this:

But mostly this: