Harry Potter Readalong 7:1

This is where people (and noble owls) start dying in earnest. I mean, FINALLY, right?

We're all still pretty busted up about Dbles. Oooh, and how MORE busted up did his biography make you? So much, I bet. Also, 'a brother with a fondness for fiddling about with goats' - they're getting less and less euphemistic about that.

Also, sending out seven Harrys because '[e]ven You-Know-Who can't split himself into seven.'

NICELY PLACED, JK.

Also, I forget who dies when so I was really stressed out during the scene where they're all arriving at the Burrow.

Ok so Harry is going to hunt the Horcruxes without anyone knowing, and he doesn't want H&R to come with him, and I am OVER this. I think JK works this angle too hard, and that's why it's grating on so many of us. Like she thinks we're going to hate Harry because of all the excellent characters who die for his sake, so she overwhelms us with him not wanting them to help and it's exhausting.

That's me on the right, all, Fine, I'll just lie here and take Harry's attitude, whatever.

Although I just remembered someone's very good point about Hermione's very good point about Harry's savior complex. Which makes it easier to understand, if not to read about ad nauseum. SPEAKING OF HERMIONE, she basically makes her parents into different people so that they'll be safe and she can go with Harry. Holy ess, child. That is commitment to the cause.

OK NO BUT SON OF A BITCH, here it is again. Harry's birthday falls on the day before Bill and Fleur's wedding (which isn't even conceivably his fault, since you schedule a wedding, but your birthday, you know...) and he's totally like, A regular dinner is fine, and then feels 'a great wave of remorse' for stressing Mrs Weasley out. No, wait, 'for the inconvenience and pain he was causing her.' THAT IS LAYING IT ON A BIT THICK. I mean, sucks to be the one houseguest everybody has to take mad security precautions for, but also you are on a MISSION to SAVE THE WIZARDING RACE so I think you can cut yourself some slack.

Twelve Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches isn't 'all about wandwork.' MMMMMMLOL.

Dumbledore leaves Ron the 'Deluminator' in his will, which shows that JK has finally gotten the hang of naming her magic thingies, although I distinctly remember LIKING that it was called the 'Put-Outer' in Book One.

I like things that do what they say on the tin.

Oooh, and then Harry rips a strip off of Scrimgeour, and it may be the first time I agree with his smart mouth.

Oh, and you know when his scar goes off and Hermione is like, OMG STOP SHARING BRAINS WITH VMORT, I like this bit so much. Because she's so smart and cool and empathetic and wise and then just SUCKS at things sometimes. Like, seriously, Herms, that is not helping. But I love you and your flaws.

When Harry finds out about D-dore and Godric's Hollow and is like, Why didn't he tell me this stuff and am I just a tool to him, USUALLY I have no patience with Harry's bitching but given the events of  Book Five, in which Dumbledore Kept All Kinds Of Shit From Him, I feel like he has a right to moan about some stuff.

Ugh, ok, Lily's letter. RIGHT? 'She had made her g's the same way he did: he searched through the letter for every one of them, and each felt like a friendly little wave glimpsed from behind a veil.'

OH, and Kreacher's story about retrieving the locket?

And we have so many more gloriously sad bits to go before that stupid, stupid epilogue.

Harry Potter readalong: Beedle Break

After last week's emotional wringer

it was nice to spend some time with a non-dead Dumbledore. I'd never read BtB and I flat-out loved the format. Literary criticism on fairy tales and shit is my jam (Bruno Bettelheim, I love your long-winded face), and faux-litcrit by one of the world's most brilliant wizards, well-versed in wand lore (like Dumbleself), is just...it's the best. The echoes of Real World Literary History were fantastic, like Thomas Bowdler Beatrix Bloxam, who Bloxamized all the nasty bits out of tales.

(Speaking of HP criticism, I started reading a book on HP and philosophy and it is just straight-up the worst. I thought it would be more litcrit but it's just all 'existence of the soul blah blah' and 'all possible futures versus a fixed future' and I feel like I'm back in college but not in the fun way. Philosophy, I'd forgotten how doggedly boring you are.)

'The Warlock's Hairy Heart' is hands-down the best tale in the collection, are we agreed?

I mean, 'The maiden lay dead upon the floor, her breast cut open, and beside her crouched the mad warlock, holding in one bloody hand a great, smooth, shining scarlet heart, which he licked and stroked, vowing to exchange it for his own.' That's some Poe-tastic shit right there.

Does The Tale of the Three Brothers make it into the 7th book? I forget. I remember it being EXCEEDINGLY WELL DONE in the movie.

I mean, right? How else are you going to work in that backstory without people being like, I'm boooooored, let's get back to Neville and Luna.

My only criticism is that, ok, so it's supposed to be D-bles writing for a wizarding audience, which is why Hermione (but sometimes JK [BUT WHY NOT JUST ONE OF THEM, HONESTLY]) footnotes it, but when he's talking about Animagi he gets a little infodumpy and written-for-muggles-y. Because if I was talking to you, fellow muggles, I wouldn't be like, 'There are fewer lawyers than, say, retail clerks, because becoming a lawyer is super hard and expensive.' So when he's like, 'Animagi make up a small fraction of the wizarding population. Achieving perfect, spontaneous human to animal transformation requires much study and practice' etc I am like, This rings false within the construct of this book.

The rest of it is srsly great, though! Babbity Rabbity indeed. On to The Deathly Hallows, where many of my favorite characters die!

The saddest face.

[edit: I am forever posting shit to the wrong blog. The perils of phone-blogging. Enjoy this slice of my life.]

The last three times we came to

BC, at least one person has been sick unto vomiting. No one has thrown up on THIS visit (yet! Oh how I knock on the wood) but that doesn't mean we aren't sick as dogs. 

There has been a lot of this:

And this: 

And a little bit of this:

But mostly this:

Harry Potter readalong 6.3

I mean, aren't we all? Why the HELL is there even more book after page 402?

Let's hop back to the beginning of the section when Ron is lying comatose holy SHIT what a downer this bit is. Good thing there're lines like:

'I can't see anyone trying to bump off a Quidditch team,' said George.
'Wood might've done the Slytherins if he could've got away with it,' said Fred fairly.

I don't know how to make those quotes not be in green text. Blogger, you make me look like a nine-year-old.

Ok, let's talk about ways JK made Dumbledore EVEN MORE AWESOME before biffing him off. That scene where Vmort comes back to find some Ravenclaw treasures looking for a job and D-dores is the straight-shootingest. I mean, he is an absolute wizard in this scene. '...let us speak openly. Why have you come here tonight, surrounded by henchmen, to request a job we both know you do not want?' INDEED, Riddlemort.

Also, man, good thing supervillains are such completists. VoldeTom should have thrown everyone for a loop and put a bit of his soul into, like, an Altoids tin. He'd be super fucking immortal.

Harry and Ginny. FINALLY.

I mean, right? But at least it gave us that line about Ron and Lavender 'thrashing around like a pair of eels all over the place,' which is both disgusting and apt. I remember you, high school hallway make-outs.

Oh shit, that scene in the middle of the lake. I can't believe Harry went through with it. This makes me like him more than almost anything he's done so far, especially given how much he hates putting those he loves in danger. One of my daycare kids got stung by a bee once and I had to call another staff member to pull the stinger out because I COULDN'T DO IT because she was like, Please don't? And that was for her own good and this, THIS was HORRIBLE.

I don't even...can we not talk about the scene in the Tower?

'No, Draco,' said Dumbledore quietly. 'It is my mercy, and not yours, that matters now.'  

Seriously, I'm dying. And what SLEW me was the double-edgedness of it all. Because I remember how I read Dumbledore pleading, and I remember how I read Snape's revulsion, and I had it all BACKWARDS and it is SPLENDIDLY DONE but also it's horrid. I just, I mean...

Oh good, here's Fleur. 'I am good-looking for both of us, I theenk!' Very well, Fleur, you have won me over. I hope you and Bill have adorable quarter-werewolf babies (because Bill is really only, like, half-werewolf).

Pour one out, you guys.

One last dumble for the road.

I made you some words.

Peglegs! Happy Monday evening. (Whatever, you are reading this at work on Tuesday morning. I KNOW YOU.)

Two things: I wrote about making Eleanor my kitchen-slave, and it's the most passionate I've felt about a writing in ages. GETTING CHILDREN INVOLVED IN SHIT ESP. HEALTHY EATING PLUS LIFE SKILLS is kind of my jam.

I feel motivational-speakery about it.

I know lots of you'se've gots kids, so hop over there and give me advice on teaching her to not set the kitchen on fire.

Also, my sister (of the art) is selling a whack of paintings. You should buy a one and bedeck your house.

That is all! Monday on.

Harry Potter readalong 6.2

Oh shit, it is Thursday night. TIME TO HASTILY COBBLE TOGETHER SOME GIFS because Joel and I have started watching Justified and it is excellent so I need to go do some more of that in a few minutes.

Shut up, Reylan. These people care what I'm watching.

MEANWHILES. 'You know, I don't believe any house has ever been in negative figures this early in the term - we haven't even started pudding.' I  mean, HA! Snape, you old so-and-so. There's a sense of humor under all that lank.

Also this:
Snape: Yada yada I sort of forget what he says here
Harry: Yes.
Snape: Yes sir.
Harry: There's no need to call me 'sir,' Professor.

See, here's the thing, Harry. When Snape says you are an arrogant SOB with a smart mouth (I'm paraphrasing), he's not WRONG. Also, well done on that sweet burn. Is there a 'sincerity' font? I need that WAY more than a sarcasti-font.

The great big sappy girl in me who loved the Shopaholics books LOVES Ron and Hermione right now. Specifically Ron, I guess, since Hermione is just carrying on. But Ron's all, *I* would have said you were the best in the year! *I'm* tall! Oh no wait, Hermy Confounded whassizguy so he wouldn't make the save. HAHA, these two.

You are BOTH blushing.

HUMPHREY BELCHER THE TIME IS INDEED RIPE FOR A CHEESE CAULDRON. You were ahead of your time, sir. Also, call me re: cheese cauldrons. We'll have fondu like whoa.

Harry gets mad because Dumbledore is away for a sec. Away. How dare he have other responsibilities besides advising The Chosen One. And then later Harry is like, You STILL trust Snape? Like, how about now. Now? Do you still trust him now? Ok, hold on a sec...how about now? And D-bles is like, 'I have been tolerant enough to answer that question already.' HECK YES. Way to not put up with this shit.

Ron gets hilariously love-jinxed, Harry brings him to Slughorn to be fixed, Ron gets DRAMATICALLY POISONED. From fun times to HOLYSHIT in less than a page. Nice work, JK.

Still my favorite piece of internet.

Harry Potter readalong 6.1

Oh man, JK writes the Snapey bits SO well. Remember when we DIDN'T KNOW IF HE WAS EVIL OR NON-EVIL? It's bits like this:

'"I have played my part well,' said Snape. 'And you overlook Dumbledore's greatest weakness: he has to believe the best of people."'

I mean, we KNOW that's true, but is Snaples ACTually playing D-dore like Harry kind of thinks he is sometimes? WE'LL NEVER KNOW (until later, obvs).

(But when he spoke the Unbreakable Vow with Narcissa, you were pretty sure you knew, right? And THIS time, knowing what you know, you are like

RIGHT?)

Oooh, you know what I'm super excited about in this book? Finding out the mystery of the half-blood prince, because I was watching the film with my parents and at the end they were like, WHO WAS THE HBP? And I'm like, *shrugs* because I read the books so long ago. But the movie totally ignores it, is what I'm saying. Like, it may as well just be called The Sixth HP Movie: Let's Kill Some More Guys.

Speaking of! When D-bles shows up the Dursleys and is all, 'Let us assume that you have invited me warmly into your house.' He's just, I mean. That is the perfect example of making someone look like a TOTAL ASSHOLE with your politeness.

Thank you, Vernon, that is all.

Also: 'These words seemed to rouse Uncle Vernon. It was clear that as far as he was concerned, any man who could look at Harry and say "excellent" was a man with whom he could never see eye to eye.' I know the Dursley bits are the most child-abusey but they are also the MOST AMUSING sometimes. Like, most of the time.

Moving on to the JK: Bad at Logistics segment of the post, when Slughorn is bragging up all his free treats and Harry is like, 'And all these people know where to find you, to send you stuff?' and Slughorn is like, Nope. Can't owls just find people? Did we ever figure that out, back when we were talking about how the Ministry should just write a letter to Sirius and then FOLLOW THAT OWL? Because this would seem to jive with owls needing specific directions, but EVERY OTHER SCENE WITH OWLS seems to suggest that you just say 'Mum and Dad' and the owl is off.

We are all dying about 'Mollywobbles,' right?

I am this sloth right now.

Man, the first sections of these books are either dull as mud or they are FULL of FUN QUIRKY BITS and NOBODY DIES. They can be a total party when they want to, is what. Fred and George's shop? You know JK was getting drunk with her friends and thinking up things like the Decoy Detonators. 'More delightful inventions, friends! And more gin!'

Can we all give Harry a golf clap for including R&H on his stealth-sneak after Malfoy? BRING YOUR FRIENDS WITH YOU WHEN YOU GO DO DANGEROUS THINGS. The hamster has learned a valuable lesson (for now).

Hermione really is the worst liar. Rayna made a good point last week when I was all, GINNY IS A WELL GOOD HUMAN CHARACTER. Ginny is straight-up flawless, was her point. You can tell EXACTLY when J-Ro figures out she should be Harry's Forever Friend because she starts doing amazing badass stuff and never makes an ass of herself. GOOD POINT, because even Hermione, Mighty Brain and Social Conscience, has flaws (as evidenced here. Terrible liar).

That looks like it for this week! Early sections: long on fun, short on stuff to complain lovingly about.